The Drabbles of Random Deaths
by Xx Artemis Rox mi Sox xX
Summary: Artemis and friends are hanging out at his lab, but a lot of characters from other books are showing up. The weirdness begins and killing is the only option. [HUMOR]
1. Part I

The Drabbles of Random Deaths Begin…

**Starring: **

Me, Shannon

HollyluvsArty, known as Eve

Artemis Fowl Characters

Harry Potter Characters

Random Characters from old books and movies

Andrea and Isis (characters from one of my fictions)

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(Crummy old happy music starts playing)

Narrator: Hello Timmy!

Timmy: (looks startled) Oh, hello mister! You scared the jeepers' outa me!

Narrator: (chuckles annoyingly) Well, Timmy. Do YOU know how to raise someone from the dead? (Timmy shakes head) Well let's go find out how!

(Both skip happily to Artemis's lab)

Shannon: (sitting on the counter staring) Who the hell are you?

(Happy music stops)

Narrator: Well, me and Timmy are here to see how you raise someone from the dead!

HollyluvsArty aka Eve: Get 'em!

(Artemis Fowl characters jump out from hiding and start beating the narrator and little Timmy)

Artemis: It's Timmy and I you moron.

Narrator: Twitch

Chix: (looks at nails) So… Holly, like to go on a date?

Holly: (breaks nose)

Chix: (tries to stop bleeding) Maybe some other time then.

Artemis: (walks up to Holly) Holly, would you, by any chance like to go out with me?

Holly: Like a date?

Artemis: Well ye-

Holly: (jumps into Artemis's arms) I'd love too!

Artemis: No, I love _you_. (Artemis and Holly start making out)

Shannon and Eve: (excited squeals and giggles)

Harry Potter: What's this? We're not at Hogwards!

Harmoiny- I forget how to spell her name: (mutters some magic word and points wand)

(Molecules start piling together and form Commander Root)

Julius: W-where am I?

Holly: (stops kissing Artemis) You're alive! (Hugs Root)

Artemis: (mutters) Thanks a lot…

Shannon: (slaps Holly) You get back there and kiss Artemis!

Holly: (punches)

Shannon: (falls to the floor)

Eve: (rushes by my side) Oh no!

Harry Potter: Can anybody-

Shannon: Screw you. (Instantly comes back and starts beating Harry)

(Holly and Eve try to pull me back)

Shannon: Must… kill…!

Little Timmy: Twitch

Harmoiny: Oh for God's sake! (Waves wand and Harry and her proof out of there)

Narrator: Twitch

Ron: What about me?

Foaly: No one cares about you! They care about me…

(Ron sadly walks away)

Eragon: Look Sapphira, this must be the future!

Sapphira: _Must be. I've never seen a place like this before._

Shannon: (looks confused) Did the dragon try to say something?

Eragon: She can only talk to me. I'm her rider.

Luke: Look Leia, this must be the past!

Foaly: Okay, why are you all here?

Eve: Yeah, this is an Artemis Fowl drabble.

Andrea and Isis: BEAT IT!

Luke: You people never respect characters from other GOOD books!

(Everyone gasps)

Shannon: Oh no you did-n't!

(Holly, Andrea, Shannon, and Isis growl and raise fists)

Other characters: (back away)

Little Timmy: Twitch

Eve: Am I not supposed to DO something? I've done nothing so far…

Artemis: It's okay… I'll give you something to do… (Kisses)

Eve: You're kissing me?

Artemis: I'm practicing for Holly.

Eve: (shrugs) Kissing Artemis is kissing Artemis. _Better not tell him that he's a good kisser or he'll stop._

Commander Root: Be well… GOD that's such a dreadful goodbye line! (Explodes)

Narrator: (comes back to life) And so, the commander died, and we might never know how to raise someone from the dead, but we do know-

Shannon: (hits narrator over head with shovel) There.

Eve: (looks at the flies and maggots crawling over Luke, Leia, Sapphira and Eragon's dead bodies) That can't be good for the carpet.

(Vultures circle overhead)

Minerva's Head in Vultures Body: Artemis I love-

Shannon: (shoots with hunting gun). It's bird hunting season! Muhahahahaha.

Eve: Muhahahahahaha.

Holly: Hey Artemis.

Artemis: (swoops over and smooches)

Shannon and Eve: (giggles)

Little Timmy: Twitch

Shannon: (looks around) We better stash the bodies.

Eve: (grabs shovel) Let's go then.

(Walks off into sunset)

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_**Should I continue? Please review and tell me what you think.**_

Your Evil Authoress,

Shannon


	2. Part II

The Drabbles of Random Deaths 

Part II:

_**Stashing the Bodies**_

**Staring:**

Me, Shannon

XxTotallyObsessedxX, Nikki

HollyluvsArty, Eve

Evil Shall Giggle, Evil

Isilthrar, Molly

Crazygirliecaptain, Lindsay

Artemis Fowl Characters

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(Keeps walking into sunset)

_5 hours later._

Shannon: Does this sunset EVER end? I mean, this isn't in the western movies

(Cowboy music)

Evil Shall Giggle, aka Evil: (rides up to me and Eve on horse) (tips hat) Howdy.

Eve: Oh good, you can help us stash these dead bodies.

Evil: (looks over and sees garbage bag stuffed with human and dragon body parts) (falls off horse and pukes)

Shannon: Oh, it's not that bad.

(Horse dies)

Shannon: Okay, maybe it is.

Voice in the Distance: HEY!!

Eve: Who is that?

XxTotallyObsessedxX, aka Nikki: Hey you gu- (bends over and pukes from smell of dead people)

Evil: Cool!

Eve: You think dead bodies that make people puke are cool?

Shannon: That makes two of us!

Evil: No, we have our own fan girl posse!

Nikki: (hugs three of us until our bones crack) HEY GUYS!

Shannon: (pants) Yayness, now let's go stash some bodies!

(Walks to muddy lake- nighttime)

(Flashing light in the distance)

Butler: (twirls knife around) What are you guys doing at the lake so late at night?

Everyone in Fan girl Posse: Nothing

Random Bird: (drops out of the air dead)

Butler: (looks in bag) What the-

Isilthrar, aka Molly: (hits Butler over the head with shovel) Hehe.

Nikki: Who are you?

Shannon: This is my friend Molly, original creator of the character Isis.

Molly: Hey. So you guys are stashing bodies, how fun!

(Phone rings- everyone checks there cell phone)

Shannon: It's me- Hello?

…..

Oh, hi.

…..

Uh-huh.

…..

Uh-huh

(Hangs up)

Shannon: Another one of my friends is coming.

Crazygirliecaptian, aka Lindsay: (jumps out of bushes) I'm already here!

Eve: Awesome, now we have enough people.

Evil: We can have a party!

Nikki: (sings and waves hands madly in air) Raise the roof, raise the roof!

Shannon: (sarcastic)We're at a lake…

Molly: (sings) First Luke goes in the lake (throws Luke is lake). Then little Timmy goes in the lake (throws little Timmy in lake). Ugh… could someone help me with this dragon?

Evil: How in the world did you fit a dragon in a garbage bag?!

Shannon: (shrugs)

Lindsay: Let's bury the rest of the bag instead!

(Everyone grabs shovels and starts to dig)

Fan girls: (whistles the song 'Whistle while you Work')

(Holly and Artemis walk up to them)

Holly: You know you guys are felons now, right?

(Everyone ignores and whistles)

Artemis: (turns to Holly) They killed those people and are stashing the bodies.

Holly: Why are you telling me?

Artemis: I technically told an officer, so you can put me in jail for accomplice.

Holly: (shields) An imaginary officer?

Artemis: (swears under breath)

Butler: (starts to get up)

Molly: (hits with shovel)

Shannon: Would you stop doing that?

Molly: …No.

Nikki: This feels weird. Why did you kill the characters from Eragon and Starwars?

Shannon: And Harry Potter.

Eve: They got away, remember?

Shannon: Then we must go to that wizard school and beat them to a pulp!

Lindsay: …But I like Harry Potter…

Nikki: Who cares? It's fun!

Eve: Well let's go then!

(Fan girls and shockingly, an unconscious Butler get sucked into purple vortex)

Artemis: What are we going to do with these bodies?

(People come back to life)

Zombie Narrator: So Shannon and friends end up going to Hogwarts to find and kill Harry Potter. While Artemis and Holly stay here so we can… eat… their… BRAAAAAAINS!

Artemis and Holly: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

----------------------------------- **To Be Continued?** -------------------------------------

_**Should I continue? Please review!**_

Your Evil Authoress,  
Shannon


	3. Part III

The Drabbles of Random Deaths

Part III:

**♥ _Beating Up Harry Potter 101 _♥**

**Staring:**

Me, Shannon

XxTotallyObsessedxX, Nikki

HollyluvsArty, Eve

Evil Shall Giggle, Evil

Isilthrar, Molly

Crazygirliecaptain, Lindsay

Artemis Fowl Characters

Harry Potter Characters

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(Hogwarts' students enter classroom)

Prof. Snape: (looks creepy as always) Now students, in today's dark magic class, we will be turning dog poo into a possessed rabbit.

Students: (blink) (stares)

(Poke)

Harry: (sighs) (turns around) Will you please stop poking me in the back of my head?

Random Student Behind Harry: (shrug)

(Poke)

Harry: (whispers to Ron) This guy is poking me with some-

(Poke)

Harry: (turns around) Will you stop?! It's getting rather annoying. (Turns back)

Random Student Who Turns Out to Be Shannon: (positions rifle behind Harry's head) Oh please I get a clean shot…

Lindsay: (whispers) Well if you would stop poking him with your rifle!

(poke)

Harry: (turns around) (glares)

Shannon: Wasn't me.

Molly: Just shoot him already!

Prof. Snape: (keeps looking creepy) Molly, you seem to be unoccupied with this class. Care to try?

Molly: (stands and walks up to front desk) (stares at dog poop)

Random Student Who is Not Shannon: Ha-ha, she likes dog poop!

Molly: (puts on surgical glove) Oh yeah? (Picks up poop and throws at the random student's face) You're the one who's eating it.

(Everyone laughs)

Prof. Snape: That was very irresponsible. Nicole, take her to Dumbledore's office.

Nikki: Say whaaaat?

Eve: Her name is Nikki, professor.

Prof. Snape: (sighs and rubs temples) Whatever. Just go.

(Nikki and Molly leave)

Shannon: (positions rifle) Please oh please…

(Poke)

Harry: (turns around) I will ask you once more- hey- aren't you that girl?

Shannon: (hides gun behind back) No, I don't believe I am.

Eve: You should probably run.

Harry: (fearful) (runs out of class with Shannon following)

Prof. Snape: (sighs again) I'm going to need some scotch tonight.

Lindsay: Should we go help her?

Eve: (Grins evilly) I think she'll be fine. Let's go explore a bit.

**Meanwhile…**

Molly: (gasps and hides, dragging Nikki with her) That's that guy!

Nikki: What guy?

Molly: The guy I keep meeting and making out with! He's _gorgeous_.

Nikki: Wow, that's a fine one there.

Molly: Uh-huh.

Draco looking oh-so-fine: Hey Mollz.

Nikki and Molly: (giggles)

Nikki: He gave you a pet name! And since when do you care about anybody?

Molly: Now. (Starts making out)

Nikki: (utterly confused)

**Back in Classroom…**

Evil: Why did everybody leave me? (Sobs)

**Outside the Castle…**

Harry: (groans) Please… (Helpless sob) Stop…

Shannon: (beats brutally with lead pipe)

Shannon's Thoughts: _Am I being cruel?_

(Stops)

Shannon: (Drops to knees) I'm beginning to have a _heart_? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Sobs)

Harry: (tries to crawl away… dragging broken legs)

(Nikki, Molly and Draco run up to Shannon)

Molly: Shannon! Butler came through with us. Though the… the…

Nikki: The purple thingy ma-bobber.

Draco: (looks at Harry crawling) No fair. You got to him before I did. When will J.K let me kick the guts out of him?

Shannon: Technically, I haven't 'kicked' it out of him. I beat him with a lead pipe.

Nikki: Why'd you stop?

Shannon: I. Got. A. Heart.

Everyone: (Gasps)

Evil: (jumps over Harry and growing trail of blood) Why did everybody leave me?

Molly: No time! (Grabs shovel)

Nikki: (holds back) We need to find and save Butler, not kill him!

Shannon: So where is he now?

**Crazy Garden**

Lindsay: What beautiful flowers!

(Butler drops out of nowhere and crushes flower bed)

Eve: So much for flowers…

(Shannon and friends magically appear)

Butler: Where am I?

Molly: (hits with shovel)

Everyone: MOLLEH!

Lindsay: (hits Molly with shovel)

Everyone: LINDSAY!

Eve: (hits Lindsay with shovel)

Everyone: EVELYN!

Shannon: (takes shovel) Will you STOP! Ugh, why me? WHY ME?! (Gets hit with shovel)

Nikki: Oh, I shouldn't have done that. (Hits self with shovel)

Evil: (Comes running) Hey wha- (looks at all the unconscious people) Aww man! Did I miss something?

Harry: (still dragging himself)

Eve: Hehe, I didn't get hit.

Purple Vortex: (Sucks people into it) You must go home, for Artemis and Holly are in deep trouble!

Evil: One sec. (grabs shovel) (runs into Dark Magic classroom)

Prof. Snape: Okay, what's going on?

Evil: (hits with shovel) A request by FreakyD45663!

(Runs back)

Evil: Say again?

Purple Vortex: (sigh) Just get in here.

(Characters get sucked into talking purple vortex)

------------------------------------------**To Be Continued?** ------------------------------------------

_**Shall I continue? What ever happened to poor Arty and Holly? Review and you just might find out!**_

Your Evil Authoress,  
Shannon


	4. Part IV

The Drabbles of Random Deaths

Part IV:

_**Probably the Most Weird and Unrealistic Thing You Will Ever Read**_

**Staring:**

DON'T YOU KNOW BY NOW?!

Isis- a vampire who really likes to kill.

Spike- that guy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

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Purple Vortex: (Spits out) You life forms taste disgusting! (Disappears)

Evil: (Looks at all the people laying on the ground) I guess I'm alone on this.

(Bang)

Evil: W-what was that?

(Bang)

Evil: (opens random door)

(Isis and Spike tumble out)

Spike: Err… yeah.

Isis: I am trying to make out with my boyfriend here!

Hidden Audience: You have a boyfriend?!

Evil: …And why is everybody making out?

(Bang)

Evil: Not again.

(Bang)

Evil: (opens another door)

(Molly and Draco fall out)

Nikki: (All the sudden awake) Wow. You were right!

Shannon: (All the sudden awake) I haven't made out with a hot guy yet! (Sobs)

Molly: (Dusts off pants) Well, it is _your_ fiction.

Shannon: Okay…. Hmm, which fictional or non-fictional person do I like?

(Eragon comes riding on Sapphira and- oh wait, they're dead. Scratch that. Brad Pitt- Nah. Hmmm… Foaly trots in with a very handsome look)

Foaly: Hey babe (kisses).

Everyone: (stares blankly).

Shannon: What? I have a fondness for hot nerds.

Holly: Help!

(Everyone that was asleep wakes up- including the readers who are bored of all this… random death)

Lindsay: Why are we here again?

Random Voice out of Nowhere, Presumably the Purple Vortex: God you Earthlings are stupid… either that or hard of hearing.

Lindsay: Hey Mr. I-am-a-purple-Entity, I don't like your tone! We need to be kind to each other… BURN IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL!

Shannon: Ah! She's having a mood swing! (Everyone runs away in slow motion).

Eve: (Stands too close to Lindsay) AHHHH! (Burns in Lindsay's fire).

Nikki: She hasn't even had a line in the story yet! How can you kill her off?

Shannon: Hello, do you know what the title is? The Drabbles of Random Deaths. Get it?

Evil: Not very fair to her though.

(Giant squid falls on Evil)

Evil: Another… request… by FreakyD45663… (dies)

Nikki: Shannon!

Shannon: What? She wanted a squid to cause choas and I did just that. (Eyes giant squid that's throwing houses and cars everywhere).

Lindsay: I'm sorry about that.

Molly: You killed Evelyn.

Lindsay: I did? I'm a murderer! (Hangs self)

Molly and Nikki: (stares)

Shannon: …What?

Nikki: Which one of us is next then?

Shannon: Who said you are going to die?

Molly: Yay! We're favored!

Shannon: (crosses arms) Oh really?

Molly: No.

Isis: (yields battleaxe) Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

(Chops Nikki in half)

Holly: (Screams) HELP!

Molly: Didn't she scream before?

Shannon: Yeah. We just ignored her.

(Runs toward old, creepy and clichéd warehouse but the lake)

Shannon: You go in first.

Molly: No way!

Isis: (Chops door to tiny pieces)

(Zombies run out in fear)

Holly: (looks scared)

Artemis: (holds Holly close) It's okay.

Holly: (elbows Artemis) Don't you think you can comfort me! … Hold me. (Hugs)

Eve's Ghost: There is nothing to fear…

Molly: (looks at Shannon like she's mad- which most people do)

Shannon: Well she didn't have many lines. Okay. She didn't have any.

Molly: Aren't you going to 'pass on' and what-not?

Eve-Ghost: Nah, I like it as a ghost. I get to walk through walls.

Zombie Leia: Weee… wannnnt… yoouuurrr….

Zombie Eragon: Autographs.

Artemis: Please say that again?

Zombie Timmy: I believe he wants your autograph mister! Hmmm autograaaaphs.

Zombie Narrator: And so-

Molly: (hits with shovel) God I hate that guy.

Molly: (Gets eaten by Zombie Sapphira) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-wassasassbbdg.

Molly-Ghost: (appears as a ghost) Well this is… nice.

(Rest of dead fan girls return as ghosts)

Eve-Ghost: It's actually really relaxing.

Lindsay-Ghost: My aura's red. Is that bad?

Shannon: … Yeah.

Molly-Ghost: You committed suicide…

Nikki-Ghost: Oh well. Isn't there any way we can come back to life? Or go back a do something differently?

Shannon: Duhhhh!

(Zips back through time)

Holly: Hey Artemis.

Artemis: (swoops over and smooches)

Shannon and Eve: (giggles)

Little Timmy: Twitch

Shannon: (looks around) We better stash the bodies- hey. I'm having a total foreshadowing.

Eve: Me too… did that not happen? I don't think so.

Nikki: So none of it really happened?

Lindsay: Oh no- it happened.

Molly: Sooo… what do we do now?

Evil: (smells like fish) We ride girls, we ride.

(Fan girl posse grabs a horse and they ride off into the sunset once more… hopefully for good)

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I'm not sure I'll make another one. I like this ending. What do you think?

Your Evil Authoress,

Shannon


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